


shulhan orekh

by awesomems



Series: passover 2020 / pesach 5780 challenge [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Gen, Introspection, Jewish Bucky Barnes, Judaism, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Religious Content, also it's not totally angsty, he talks to a oc rabbi, it's just not happy either
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:53:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23661883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awesomems/pseuds/awesomems
Summary: Bucky thinks about life while on the run.Shulhan Orekh: The festive holiday meal in the Seder, later in the evening than any other Shabbat or Yom Tov meal, as everything eaten before this point has had ritual significance, whereas this meal is to fulfill the mitzvah of enjoying the festival.
Series: passover 2020 / pesach 5780 challenge [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1695439
Kudos: 10





	shulhan orekh

**Author's Note:**

> i was brainstorming how i wanted to do this prompt, and i was originally struggling to come up with something, since i didn't want to just write the same thing of the seder over and over. so i decided to outline some underlying themes that come from the spiritual side of things, to allow myself to branch out while still coming back to the prompt. 
> 
> shulhan orekh, for me, symbolizes patience, liberation, and divinity. the egg on the seder plate also represents the life cycle: remembrance of the past but allowing space to be reborn.
> 
> the words of the oc rabbi are italicized, which i'm pretty sure isn't grammatically correct but i wanted it to stick out.
> 
> i get really religious in this one so warning if that makes you uncomfortable, but i'm also really proud of it, so i hope you enjoy.

“ _ Even after times of immense suffering, we as a people can experience renewal, and rebirth. I believe that applies to us as individuals as well _ ,” the rabbi in Sarcelles had told him before he moved on again. “ _ No matter what you’ve done, you are able to be redeemed. _ ” He’d wanted to scoff, (she didn’t know just  _ how _ bad the things he’d done were, she couldn’t see the blood on his hands) but he nodded and wrote it down in his notebook anyways. 

Every time he looked back at the words on the page, he had different feelings about them. There were the days when it hurt to read, when he felt wayward and lost. How was he supposed to believe in his renewal as an individual when he was only just regaining a vague sense of self, and even then it felt all wrong? 

There were other days when he thought about the “we as a people” part. He reconnected with his Jewish identity relatively early in this journey he was on, it was so woven into his fragmented-but-still-existent memories of who he was before HYDRA. He read a lot of books, caught up on his people’s history that he’d missed out on. There was the State of Israel, which was rife with contradictions and elicited complicated feelings from him, there were new movements of Judaism, and Jewish authors, actors, athletes rising to prominence.

Those were the days he went to shul, pinned his kippah to his head, listened to the service and followed along with the siddur, and even though he wouldn’t have been able to remember how to say the words before, from memory, it felt so right, like maybe he could begin to piece together who this “Bucky Barnes” person was, together with who  _ he _ was.

But those were good days, and good days were rare. There were the days it felt like all the progress he’d made was undone, the weight of his past pressing down and forming cracks in the new person he was becoming, the one who wasn’t “Bucky Barnes”  _ or _ the Asset. Those were the days when he didn’t leave wherever he was staying because whenever he did, he felt everyone’s eyes on him, like they know all he’s done with one look. 

“ _ It’s a miracle that you’re here _ ,” she said. “ _ No matter what you’ve done, no matter how bad, if G-d didn’t want you to be here right now, trying to make things right, you wouldn’t be. _ ” On the days he thought about this portion, he cried. 

It was liberating, really. It’s not like he’d had a chance to cry in those seventy years, all autonomy stripped away. However freeing the  _ act _ was, the accompanying thoughts were nowhere close. If G-d wanted him to escape, why leave him so broken, torn, from body to soul? He had so many questions and was so far away from any answers, and he cried out. 

“ _ Welcome _ ,” she ended, “ _ to your second life _ .” 

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are greatly appreciated!


End file.
